You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat // Book Review

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Ok, do I have a treat for you. Finally, my wishes are answered with a story about a complicated brown woman going through an existential crisis. Let me preface that in no way do I like reading about unlikable protagonists but boy can I have something interesting to return to when I think about this book in the future. Our protagonist is a Palestinian-American who’s a closeted queer woman struggling with preoccupied attachment. Let me say that I am not disappointed by people who hate this book. There’s a lot that strikes a nerve. From a narcissistic mother who emotionally abuses her daughter to a woman who serially cheats on her partners it can be a rollercoaster of trauma.

Although I would like to make the case for this book. I also have an immigrant parent who has in some way negatively affected how I love people. For the protagonist, her mother is extremely homophobic, sexist, and insults her daughter at every chance. It seems like everything she doesn’t like about her daughter (her looks, “lifestyle”, and personality) is ammunition to hurt her. It could be a perverse way to feel power by bullying your own child. I’m not here to pathologize people. All I know is that it had a lasting impact on how our protagonist approaches relationships. Not receiving the love and attention every child deserves, she was expected to grow up and look after herself. It explains in a way her state of constant inertia in life. Switching flippantly through one job (a night club DJ to a poet) to another without much forethought. Acting like a lost “child” now that she doesn’t have something to run away. Similarly, because she never got her mother’s approval, she is constantly looking for it in other women. Her romantic relationships are sabotaged due to her fear that they will never be accepted by her mother. In turn, she also obsesses over straight older women in existing relationships. I wonder why.

Her obsessions come from imagining the perfect relationship with these unattainable people. Since she can never confront them with her feelings, she doesn’t have to face the possibility of rejection. In fact, she doesn’t even have to take responsibility if they were to return her feelings. And this is her reality. She is always in a relationship and never had the tools to express her love in a healthy way. Instead, all she knows is pleasing people (maybe avoiding important conversations as an interpretation of arguing too). Not having enough love from a single person because it seems as if she’s trying to make up years of deficiency and neglect from emotionally exhaustive parents. I see her “love addiction” as real and not some hokey way people excuse their disregard of hurting others. She’s also hurting herself and this amplifies her other mental illnesses such as anorexia. There’s a lot of guilt and shame she carries and it’s exerted both inwardly and outwardly but never towards the one person who needs to hear this the most. Her mother says she exists too much and how else are you as a child to interpret this as an admission that you are not supposed to exist at all.

I recommend this for people who are in a good mental space. There’s a lot of heavy subjects with a protagonist who is very compromised and does not always act in her best interest. There’s a whole slew of interesting commentary about race and identity here that I hope to revisit in a later post.

Mayhem by Estelle Laure // ARC Review + Blog Tour!!!

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C O N T E N T  W A R N I N G :  R A P E ,  D O M E S T I C  A B U S E

Hello everyone and welcome welcome to my first ever book blog tour! As you can tell I cannot contain myself. I don’t even know if I’m doing this right? Ok, so since I opted to write a snazzy review, here are my honest and unfettered thoughts. Let’s goooooooo

Mayhem is a Brayburn woman in a long line of Brayburn women. After a harrowing attack by her step-father, Lyle, her and her mother escape back to Santa Maria. Mayhem is greeted by her twin aunt and three foster cousins. It seems everyone but her knows why the town is careful around the Brayburns. Everything from the watchful birds, to the creepy rhymes, and gifts constantly being left on the farm is a part of the mystery. But all Mayhem wants is a new chance to make friends and hopefully have a better relationship with her mother, Roxy. Her new relatives, Jason, Kidd, and Neve seem to be in on the secret as they disappear every night and sleep until the afternoon. Mayhem soon gets left behind until she uncovers a power unlike anything.

I have to say the story does drag but it emphasizes the lack of communication and honesty in the family. When Mayhem does get in contact with the power, the jig is up and there’s a quick training chapter. Everything comes easier to a Brayburn and Mayhem picks up quick what she has to do. Santa Maria attracts certain types of bad energies and somehow the Brayburns are guardians of good and evil. Although there is an attempt to ask the BIG QUESTIONS, the book doesn’t dwell on it. It’s assumed the universe has plans and everything happens for a reason which makes for some of the most awkward conversations about rape and home invasions. I did not feel comfortable, but it’s left open ended with the implication that perhaps “the universe doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. I had to restrain myself from rolling my eyes. I have to say that the handling of Neve’s character was sloppy and inconsistent. I know the power corrupts but she doesn’t seem out of line. What happens when the justice system is flawed and you KNOW someone is guilty? I don’t understand how some people are allowed to roam just because they decided to not commit crimes in Santa Maria but elsewhere. I guess that’s not the point but it raised messy questions without any intentions of sitting in it. It’s more used as a backdrop to give a sense of conflict but not really because everything neatly works out in the end without loose ends. I was severely disappointed in the ending and wish the book could have been longer to flesh out the two “villains”.

That being said, the other plot revolves around Lyle coming back. I felt this storyline was more developed and drew out the complexity between having a codependent mother and child relationship where the child takes on more responsibility. The challenges of not blaming the other parent since they’re a victim too is one avenue I think could of had an intense climax. Instead, we get something a little more anticlimactic with a toss of magic. I guess the impact was lost on me because sometimes the bad guys don’t get their comeuppance which I thought was a part of the theme especially when it came to Neve. There’s a lot going on but not enough time dedicated to following anything to it’s logical conclusion the story sets up. I’m not asking for neat answers but something more satisfying then just because “we said so”. There were a lot of memorable moments in the story and the magically elements were unique without bogging down the particulars. If that were the case, I wish that attention to detail could have gone into character development instead.

I recommend this for fans of magic, feminism, and beach side parties. 🏖

Please give the author a follow 🐦@starlaure + 📸@estellelaurebooks

If you found this book interesting feel free to buy the book here when it releases July 14, 2020!

Thanks to St. Martin’s Press for this Advance Reader’s Copy in exchange for a fair review and an opportunity to be a part of this book blog!

Stray by Stephanie Danler // Book Review

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What can I say. I have a weakness for middle aged white women going through existential crisis. After reading Danler’s first book, Sweetbitter and watching the television adaptation, I had mixed feelings. I knew the characters were difficult and yet I kept thinking about them. Now it makes sense as Danler recounts the various toxic people in her life. From an alcoholic mother prone to abuse, a narcissistic father addicted to meth, and having an affair with a married man who she calls the monster. Danler shows us the ways she’s not perfect, tries to warn us, but red being our favorite color makes the flags more attractive. I laugh to think that I don’t fault Danler for what she’s done. She can be cruel and yet she knows this isn’t who she wants to be.

Reading this book, I felt this kind of story isn’t often told. We get a lot of people in our lives who toe the in between of caring and careless. I want to say that we can be smarter to avoid these people but we see ourselves as powerful in knowing who these people truly are and dealing with them. It’s not our jobs, but we convince ourselves that it’s our special talent.

As Danler weaves in and out of her mother’s life constantly attempting to make amends, it becomes clear that we just have to accept her mother’s unwillingness to change. It’s not worth the effort in either direction. Danler speaks less to her writing and instead it’s the material experiences she leans on to create a certain complex type of character. There’s something wonderful about growing away from people and not allowing them to poison your being.

The mentions of the monster is a whole other aspect. A man who is obviously unfaithful and is using you. There’s a magnetic charge you think makes you soulmates. He won’t stay any longer than he has to because he can’t risk losing his wife. You wish he would leave her because you’re the one he sneaks to but that’s a lie. I can’t begin to say apologize for cheating. I would say that when you have abandonment issues, it feels like the only type of people you think you deserve are people who show their “true selves”. It’s all too good and I vibe with this book.

I recommend this for fans of Sweetbitter and for stories about white women going through an existential crisis.

Whistle in the Dark by Emma Healey // Book Review

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No one ever said having children was easy. For jen, her daughter Lana continues to drift away. Wanting to form her own identity separate from the person mother knows, Lana disappears. Four days of worry has Lana safe back in Jen’s arms. However, Lana won’t tell her mother or the police what happened.

This leads us to jen trying to pry information out. Yet the more she tries, the more Lana becomes reserved. Are your children allowed keep secrets from you? Not satisfied, jen creates her first Instagram I account where she finds Lana is a completely different person online. The friend she thought she knew were not actually Lana’s friends. The people she’s talking to could be dangerous. We jump around theories from cult involvement to sex parties.

I would say the hardest theme about this book is sometimes you can’t truly know a person. Sometimes you have to trust that they can make decisions for themselves. Knowing that you’re there, it has to be enough when someone makes a mistake. Reading the reviews this book, don’t see a lot of empathy. I know it’s frustrating when you love someone and they act in ways that make you think it’s not enough. It’s not as if Jen or Lana is at fault. Depression is not a straightforward journey. There could be lapses in judgment but being able to pull yourself back together as a strength all on its own.

I recommend this book for maybe someone going through something similar. Maybe you’re the one who can’t see the light or you’re a bystander trying to offer support. I think this book deserves more credit because it’s not Nice and maybe we shouldn’t judge characters on how nice they are.

Dear Girls: Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets, & Advice for Living Your Best Life by Ali Wong // Book Review

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Live fast, eat ass. These are not exactly words said by Ali but I have to admit there was a lot of it mentioned. Let’s just say this book felt like having the funniest, heartwarming, honest chat with a friend. What do you expect when you read a comedian’s memoir?

There’s so much I took away from Ali’s various ups and downs. I thought I had a rocky relationship with my own mother. I wanted the suburban fantasy but in reality my mom worked two jobs not knowing fluent English. She didn’t chaperone my field trips or get makeovers with me. She supported me within her ability and she never hurt me intentionally at least without apologizing.

Reading about another woman’s experience with childbirth, sex, and miscarriages is so meaningful to me. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with my own mother about these topics and so I’m all for learning about the frankly graphic nature of pushing a baby out and the heartbreak of trying to conceive. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to be a mother but Ali sure makes it look enticing ha!

On another note, her advice about careers is actually helpful. Hurt feelings are a part of putting yourself out there. What matters is doing better, not necessarily doing the same thing over again. I can’t say about her taste in men but I have to admit she does have one supportive husband. It took a while to get there but what doesn’t take work?

Overall, I loved the humor. The topics range so widely and yet I felt the cohesion came from when you have a conversation with someone a there’s a natural progression from point A to B. I recommend this for obvious fans but also a cool story about the Asian American experience and what’s it like to pursue a comedic career. Offbeat but still on the grind.

What are your thoughts on Justin Hakuta’s, Ali’s husband, chapter?